Day 6: a setback, I broke no contact…
my therapist would call it emotionally disregulated..
Mood: mind = f*cked up
This morning was a non-starter.
It’s been two weeks since I have had a proper night’s sleep.
Food doesn’t sit well in the stomach. My anxiety is at an all time high.
Honestly, I feel like a shell of a person, floating from here and there, hoping for a sign from the universe, this is the right path.
The grief hit me like a wave with no warning.
Pain, loss, heartbreak, full-body sadness. (No I will not do a body scan. Not today!)
I haven’t felt this way in years, precisely 8 years. (The last time I had a full-blown panic attack).
It’s terrifying to admit this but today I am not okay. It’s vulnerable, but it’s also the reality of heartbreak. Some days are livable, doable and some days just break you. Yes, it’s part of the process (insert eye roll).
Yes, I’m a coach, Yes, I know the tools.
But no, I am not immune to heartbreak.
And no, humour isn’t covering it today. (And we all know humour is a way of deflection).
Breakups can be brutal.
We throw ourselves into love knowing it could break us, and when it does, we’re shocked we’re bleeding out.
Why do we do it?
Because we’re human.
Because we’re hardwired for connection.
Because love is literally addictive.
I get why people stay single.
Why they wall up.
Why they say “never again.”
But I also know that’s fear talking.
That’s pain building a fortress.
That’s not who I am.
I love hard. I feel deeply.
But before I even think about going there again, I need to really face my own shit. (My normal MO: to jump back on the apps, chase for quick dopamine hits, book a flight to distract, but not this time.)
Long story short, my own shit =
Abandonment wounds.
Daddy issues.
The anxious spirals and avoidant crashes.
If I don’t take a harder look at myself:
I’ll keep reliving the same heartbreak with a different face.
If you’ve ever attracted the same kind of partner or found yourself stuck in the same emotional loop, I see you.
I’ve done it too.
And while it’s never easy to break those patterns, I know it’s possible because I’ve done it before.
And I’m doing it again.
This time, with more awareness, more tools, and way more self-love.
When I look back at who I was a few years ago, the growth is undeniable.
It’s not about perfection it’s about progress. And I’m proud of that.
Be proud of yourself.
Full disclosure moment:
I called him today. In a panic. I broke no contact.
Dry mouth, shaking hands, throat seizing up, voice cracking. It was a disaster. Biggest spiral to date.
Just a reminder; no one owes you anything, no one has to be there for you.
But he did pick up.
Don’t read into it, it just means he’s a decent human.
Conveniently a friend called me afterwards
She’s an amazing relationship coach with a huge depth of experience. She helped me uncover areas of wounds that need further healing. A super logical brain in my emotional spiral.
What matters is that we learn something from life.
I did.
I saw where my wounds still control me.
I saw where I still need to grow.
And I forgave myself.
I’m only human.
And forgiveness is what sets you free.
Embarrassing thoughts I’ll admit anyway:
Still the lingering thoughts of flying across the world for closure (not doing is the thought that counts, yes I know ruminating over the same thing, it’ll pass soon :))
Thinking about shaving my head and going to live in a monastery for a while (this doesn’t solve anything, it’s called avoidance)
Asked ChatGPT “how to emotionally stabilise myself when I’m spiralling”
Daily win:
Running outside. Only cos my coach will check up on me so I had to go outside
Cry count + Spiral Count:
Cried: 10 :(
Spirals: 13 oooooft highest it’s been, the good news? It can only go back down?
Trash tip of the day:
If you’re gonna break no-contact, at least have a therapist, coach or use AI to debrief your own meltdown before taking action
Affirmation of the day:
I forgive myself for being human.
I am still healing, even if it’s messy.